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By: Sarah Nyhan
I’ve been on hiatus from this blog for a bit. Stuck in a holding pattern. God doesn’t give up on me. God doesn’t let me settle for anything that isn’t of love’s kind. To borrow wording from William Paul Young, I believe. He doesn’t let me simply preach theological concepts. I find myself living it all. So I can share the real comfort that I have been given.
So someone must have been praying for me. Because I finally had a breakthrough yesterday. After literally years of wrestling with the same issue day in and day out almost every hour of every day. I’m sure I’ll have to practice it in order for it to solidify, but for now I finally have a peace that feels like sweet relief.
For now I’ll save you the years and years of backstory. Suffice to say that I realized yesterday that any question that creates a fear-based response in me must be reevaluated. Because God’s perfect love casts out all fear. So if I am in fear then I need to run to my Father and ask to see what I am missing.
I personally found myself in turmoil day after day because I was trying to figure out what God wanted me to do about several situations. I was frustrated because I didn’t feel like He gave me a clear answer either way. Even though I asked a million times. Even worse, I felt like if I received some kind of confirmation one way and started down that path then inevitably shortly I would seem to receive confirmation for the entirely different path. I would usually then switch sides and the cycle would start all over again. Back and forth and back and forth. I was so angry at God. I felt abandoned.
Finally after crying out, I feel like I was given fresh eyes over the past day or so. I think God let me think I received conflicting confirmations specifically so I would stop making decisions that way. He is healing the deepest parts of me. Ever since I can remember, decisions were made with avoidance of punishment being a strong primary motivation. It isn’t natural for me think that their is any other way of operating. Sure, I now feel eternally secure. But consciously unbeknownst to me, I was still thinking God was holding back from me in my day-to-day life. I thought I had to figure out what I “should” do and what God wanted from me – and this is the key – or else He wouldn’t bless me. This created SO much anxiety! Otherwise known as fear. Fear that I’d run out of time. Fear that I missed or messed up God’s plan for me. etc.